So, I am finding day by day how much I have really been affected by my dad leaving. I mean, I'm 22, so you would think that it wouldn't mess me up so bad right? I was completely wrong. I keep finding these little things that remind me of him, and then I get this ache in my chest, and I know that it is my heart breaking for him, for me, for the future that we no longer have together, the time we won't get to spend bonding. I don't know what to do. I hate being weak, and this is making me feel emotionally weak. This song perfectly describes how I feel right now about everything, not just my dad: [link]

I am tired of not being able to be myself. Of having to pretend to conform to get along with people that I work with so they don't think I'm a freak. The people at my last job thought I was out of my fucking head because they all pretend to be something they are not. I don't pretend, I just don't mention things, and avoid conversations that could possibly require me to divulge any of my twisted world views. I don't want to have to work a job that requires me to consider piercing placement and tattoo placement that would be appropriate for a professional environment. If I want to get my tragus pierced or a double labret piercing, what should it matter? I know it does, but I'm just pissed off. I decided that I wanted a good solid job, and because of that, I can't be who I really am.

And, to top it all off, everything is going really well right now. Jeff and I both have jobs, Michael is doing good in school, Conner likes his new daycare, and my uncle is out of the hospital. But, here I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. Waiting for everything to go wrong. I don't believe that good things just happen. I believe that good things come along so that they can be taken away at the worst possible time. And, I still feel empty. I put on a good facade, but it is still there. It will always be there.